Loneliness and boredom are the twins that reside within me. Like spoilt brats they quarrel all the time and vie for my attention. And like a hassled mom I try to favour them both equally. No wonder then that I feel bored and lonely in equal measure – all the time!
Sometimes I’m amidst a million people and I suddenly feel so alone. Like a stranger amidst a sea of familiar faces. Then there are times when I’m alone and incredibly bored. Making me wish there were people around me creating a comforting cacophony.
I wait all week for the weekend. On Friday I’m my chirpiest best at work. As a rule I do not go in to work on Saturdays. Given my pathetic social life, the weekend is generally dedicated to activities that centre around my daughter. So I plan in advance and think up of things that will interest her. When the weather is good, I plan picnics with her friends. I scan the papers to look for plays or events that would be interesting for her. Sometimes we plan a chef style weekend and bake cakes and cookies. So, usually by Friday I know what I’m going to do over the weekend. Why then does boredom set in on Saturday mornings? I go through the motions of the well laid out plan. By evening I’m gloomy. Not that this happens as a rule – but the Gemini twins within me do seem to control the pitutary glad a lot!
So am I feeding these twins and letting them grow? Should I ignore them and hope that they will die starved of attention? But I have no idea how I can ignore them. Like babies in the womb they kick and prod, claw and scratch. Until I pay them some attention. They nonchalantly toss away my sense of joy like a much abused toy. Then they go ahead and play with my emotions. And then I go from irritation to guilt to anger to loneliness to acute boredom…
Many years ago I attended a 10-day yoga session. I still remember the face of my master. It was incredibly devoid of worries. So fresh and clear. So peaceful. I swear he was glowing. How is it possible to not worry or feel upset or guilty or angry or even exuberant? To just be. To be so wholly at peace with oneself. And all these years later I’m still wondering. Of course, as you can see I have reached nowhere.
I want to put an end to these parasitic twins. I want to feel contented. I just want to be. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can do that?